Sunday, August 27, 2006

Something always makes me stay

In the words of Hermann Hesse: "What could I say to you that would be of value, except that perhaps you seek too much, that as a result of your seeking you cannot find."

I for sure paused for few seconds when I read it.

Anyway to move forward the thing of me having a passion for writing it does not only means pure need to write (most of the time it does) the other part also means that things I keep inside I have to get them out somehow. This city is too big and way too lonely. People are way too self centered, they don't know how to listen, their attention span is dangerously short, most of the times the only interest you get is if you are talking about the person that is listening. Lack of listening and lack of asking questions about significant other indeed made me write more and more since I came to live here.

"I am paralyzed by everyone's idea of what I should be."-sentence that I read somewhere...

These last few days I've been pissed off at some people in my life and their actions. Some of them still act like they are in high school and always come up with some excuses that no one believes in anyway.

I ended up loving Toronto very much in these, almost, 6 years. It's one of my fav cities indeed.....However, some of its mentality I never got used to. I wish I came here when I was 15. I think I would be able to fit in more, find 'my kind of scene'. I didn't change much from outside since I've been here but inside changes did happen.....few that I'm not happy with. Shit I'm still human.

"Now you're ringing out slowly
like cathedral bells and you sleep through heaven
just to get to hell
now you drop away slowly like the autmn leaves
but you lose your colour
when you hit the street" - PF

Yesterday I went to the bank to get my new debit card due to my old one not working anymore. The guy who helped me out was very nice and he talked and asked questions.
He was like:"You're in school or working"
Me:"Graduated and now working"
He:"Go back to school, you're young, go back you will not regret it"

When I left the bank to go get some coffee I was thinking all the time. I indeed want to go back to school. F*ck all that school loan. I love being around intelectuals. This time I will go for something that I'm passionate about not something that my family wants. I'm a writer dammit!. I still remember an English professor at school who gave me a book as a gift with a note that he wasn't able to find any Croatian poets but the book that he's giving me he hoped would inspire me.

"Tell me where I'm supposed to begin
an unhappy life working some kind of dead end job
remind me of where I've been
some life I'm dreaming of
for everything you thought you had
has gone from worse to bad
but this is not my kind of scene
pulls me over and it drags me under" - PF

And yet something always makes me stay in this place, this city. Maybe it's a fear of not making it happen somewhere else, maybe fear of disappointment.

See you can have a nice car, a job, a house, money, many friends (who most of the times are not even that), go out every weekend, or not have half of it BUT if all that is not where your heart is then you are not truly in it. I am a happy person in general. I'm one of those people who are happy with little things, but my heart & soul is missing something (still)....I pretty much know what it is but it's so hard to make it happen and it can hurt a lot, and people making it worse by their lack of understanding.

Assuming that you know me is not always ok.

P.S. One of my biggest inspirations is coming this September and that is what matters now;-)


Miki said...

It's good to get everything out on a puts things in a perspective. Paper shows you what bothers you, what you can do about it and if you'll feel brave enough to do it.
I think if you go back to school you'll be happy. As you said "*uck the loan", there's a whole life in front of you to pay it off. Things we aquire with money as you said cars, homes, trips etc. are the things that do not necessarily make you happy or fullfilled....It's the people we meet along the way who can keep your attention and who are willing to listen are the ones that make this life worth living. I hate when i talk to someone (sometimes even Todd acts this way) and they are not 100% there but instead swimming in their own thoughts/their own problems. I HATE THAT. I want to scream (and mostly i do lol) "CAN'T YOU GIVE ME A FREAKING MINUTE OF YOUR ATTENTION"...even if all i'm talking about are stupid blinds for the house etc...OR when i'm talking about something i never hear any questions. The conversation ususally ends with me saying something and that's it.
As you know i've also had many "friends" who didn't take long to show their true colours, so i just simply got rid of them. Better to be alone then to spend time with backstabbers.
You shoudln't worry much about not having many friends, after all what did we expect? Everyone is too obsessed with money and shit and they don't want to find time to stop and say "wow that tree is really pretty" etc....they're all empty...stupid....

D said...

I indeed love your long comments. I could just read and read and read:-)

You grew up to be an amazing young woman my dear friend:-)


Miki said...

Like yourself...i love the fact that we both think deep, although sometimes it's not good because the picture isn't always pretty once we look closer.
Shallow, supeficial people are having the most fun. They can relax without worrying about tomorrow, they live days with no direction, it's all about bumming around. I couldn't live like that. I know that things we want to accomplish in life, we will it just takes time. At least when you have some kind of goal you have some kind of direction.